Many people can get themselves stuck by taking on too much work because they are uncomfortable saying “no”.
Saying “Yes” is the easiest way to deal with the anxiety many of us feel when we think about turning down a request. Saying “Yes” to things reduces your own anxiety but can create an unsustainable work or life conditions.
Some people will go the opposite way and just give people a flat “no” without giving any reason or context behind their response. This reduces your own anxiety, can raise the anxiety of the person making the request and also reduces trust in the process.
No…but maybe yes?
It is easier for you and the other party if a “no” is given with an explanation but the issue here is that we don’t always have that reason fully formed and ready to go.
The key is buying yourself time to thoroughly think about the request and then respond by using the “No but maybe yes” formula.
How this works:
Someone comes to you with a request and this goes through your mind:
- Your gut feeling is that the answer is “no” but you can’t quite articulate why that is
- You want to give an explanation with your “no” but don’t have that explanation fully formed
- Ideally you need more time to fully think about it
- With time to think, the answer may well be “Yes” but at least you know that you can stick to that answer.
So what should you do…?
You tell them what’s on your mind!
It’s as simple as that!
I have found on many occasions that taking someone through my thought process is the best way to clarify the dilemmas that you are having. This not only gives someone insight in to what you are thinking but also makes you relatable and demonstrates humility.
Step 1: Manage expectations – My gut feeling is that the answer will be “no”….
Step 2: Tell them you haven’t got a full reason as to why – …however I can’t tell you for certain why the answer is “no”.
Step 3: Give yourself time to think – Can I come back to you by the end of today / first thing tomorrow once I have had time to fully think about this?
Step 4: Explain why you’d like more time – I’d like some time to properly think about your request so I can give you a definitive answer one way or the other.
Step 5: Explain the possible outcomes – I may, upon reflection, realise that I can say “yes” to your request which would be good for you but if the answer is “no” then I will be able to fully explain why not.
The outcome:
Overall I’d say that about 60% of the time the answer is consistent with my gut feeling (no) and the rest of the time I am able to give someone a favourable response.
The great thing about doing things in this way is that it helps to build trust by showing humility and openness to taking the time to properly consider the options.
You may also come up with a “Yes but..” and then give them the choice to decide what they want to do.
This approach works just as well with anyone who comes to you with a request be it from one of your team, your peers, your line manager or your family.
Using this to manage upwards:
When it comes to managing upwards to your line manager, you may come back to them with options for them to decide what you do. If you can’t fulfil their request without compromising on other work, then you have time to think about the options and you come back to them with a “yes but”.
That “yes but” can come with a recommendation on what work you can delay or if you aren’t sure, then lay the options in front of them so they can decide on what is most important.
Alex Devereux 