People try to find their perfect life by reading books or speaking to other people who seem to “have it figured out” only to be told things that don’t resonate with them (buy a house, have kids, get married etc) – but those are their truths and not yours.
One of my coaching clients found herself in this exact situation (and I must admit to have found myself there a few years ago). During our conversation, she said she’d read a lot of books to try and find “the answer” to having a perfect life but so far hadn’t found “the secret”.
I don’t think there is a “secret” except that you need to find a way to discover what works for you in your own life (this sounds scary to a lot of people because it’s far easier to be told what to do than it is to search for yourself but this WILL pay dividends in the long term).
I realised that this is why a lot of people “follow the crowd” when it comes to deciding what to do with their lives; we are told to buy a house, get married and have kids… not because you necessarily want to, but because you are told to do these things in order to lead a happy life.
(as a rule for myself, whenever someone tells me I “should” do something, it sets off alarm bells and I take it as a sign that I need to sit down and figure out what my true feelings are on the matter, trying hard to take my fear or pre-conceived ideas out of it).
There isn’t a universal “best way” to do something because the ideal solution for me may not be the ideal solution for you. After giving this statement some thought, I found what I figured to be one way to get there through iteration.
In continuous improvement, there is a tool called the PDCA (Plan, Do, Check, Act) cycle which is used as a way to find the root cause and then the solution to a complex problem.
Below are the details to each step:
Plan:
Spend some time thinking about what you want to achieve and ways in which you might achieve it. Create a plan of what you are going to try based on information you can gather at this stage.
Say you want to pick up a hobby, but aren’t sure where to start. Think of things you have enjoyed doing in the past, think about what specifically made those things enjoyable and create a list, then look for hobbies that fit some or all of your listed criteria.
Once you have your list of potentials, make a plan to try out one a week for several weeks.
(If you still aren’t sure where to start, pick up a copy of “How to be comfortable with being uncomfortable” by Ben Aldridge, he has plenty of ideas to get you started)
Do
Execute the plan.
Check
Check the results you achieved.
Did you enjoy the hobbies you had listed? If so, great! If not, you haven’t failed you just got different results to the ones you had planned on. Think about reasons why you may or may not have gotten the desired results.
Act
If the results were the ones you wanted, then stick at it. If they are totally wrong or not quite there, then go back through the cycle using your new found information and use it to make a more effective plan.
Stick at it
This is an iterative process, meaning that you may have to go around the cycle several times in order to find the solution you are looking for.
Put simply, all you really need to do is to try something, see if you like it and if it adds to your overall life / sense of happiness, and if it does, keep doing it. and if it doesn’t try something else.
If you never try then you will never know. Sure some stuff you do may put you out of your comfort zone, and force you to face up to some of your long held beliefs about yourself (which is scary) but it will absolutely be worth it!
For me, I decided that my life needed more adventure and mental challenge, so I decided to cycle the 20 miles to and from work twice a week (no matter the weather) and that for 6 months I would only get a hot shower once a week (yep the rest were on full cold!). I found that doing these things gave me more mental strength and resilience and I started to feel better about myself.
I ended up going out more, quitting my job, planning a whole new life for myself with my new partner and am happier and healthier than I have ever been.
Good luck and trust the process!
Oh and here is that book I was talking about:
Happy reading!
Alex Devereux 